| On The Road To Find Out |
[Oct. 7th, 2009|04:01 pm] |
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I feel like I'm on the path to recovery. I feel like I'm getting to a good place. For the first time in a long time I'm starting to feel my old self coming back, little by little. I cannot say that this just happened all the sudden, or that it's a result of my strong will and determination, because it's not. It's the help of medication and nostalgia that is starting to make me feel good again. I've experienced everything that I was dreading and scared of this year, mainly running the half marathon and getting jury duty. I know those are two things that are ridiculous to be scared of, but for someone who suffers from panic and agoraphobia they are obstacles that aren't easily overcome. But I did both, and they were both awful, horrible experiences. One was physically draining, the other emotionally. I feel like I've laid everything out on the table to those that matter... I feel like I've cleared my closet of all the skeletons that have been hiding in there for years. I have problems, I have issues, but I also have faith. ( Read more... ) |
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| "there's a carnival on you!" |
[Sep. 3rd, 2009|03:10 pm] |
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My new favorite thing to do is take an ambien right when I get in bed and then try to not go to sleep. I don't know if it has this effect on everybody, or if these would even happen to me if I was by myself (my sister's visiting and we've been sharing my bed for the past couple weeks) but it makes me deliriously tired. My brain will shut off even if I'm still awake and I think everythings hilarious. Take last night for example: I took an ambien and my sister and I were just laying in bed talking (I'd already turned off the light so this was in the dark) and I can feel myself getting more and more tired and then she asks me a question and I just remember not being able to process it in my head, and I go "whaaaat?" and I start laughing and laughing. I'm not exactly sure how long the whole thing lasted but when I woke up I vaguely remember it happening or what happened but knew I had said some really crazy things. I knew I said "whaaaat" and telling her my brain couldn't process her question, and I remember telling her I saw a carnival on her (I'm pretty sure I was dreaming while I was awake because I can kind of remember seeing the mini tent and people on her hahahahah) and then I started laughing hysterically and telling her that I thought I was high. and she later told me that I wouldn't stop staring at her (in the dark, mind you) like with my head on my arm, not on the pillow. even now it makes me crack up. My sister kept telling me how I was being an idiot and to go asleep, which I finally did. and slept gooood. hahahah. ambien is possibly the best thing ever. I haven't slept walked or eaten anything while sleeping, but this is just as good, if not better. aah, prescription drugs. |
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| I really need to go to school. |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|12:09 am] |
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Today at work one of my co-workers came up to grab a newspaper right next to me. She asked me how I was doing. "I'm good, how are you?" I replied. "good, I get to go home..." "oh, well you're doing better than me then..." I said back, knowing that for some reason people love cheesy replies like that. Then, randomly she asks, "What else do you do? do you go to school?" As if I had to have a full, hectic life in order to have a vaild excuse as to want to work. "Oh no I don't have school" then without missing a beat she replies "you should really go to school" [a deep inner groan can be inserted here] Not wanting to explain everything I just said "yeah... I'm just taking the semester off" Her: "Oh... yeah school can be hard" Me: "yep."and then she proceeds into a 5 minute one-sided conversation about how important school is and that nowadays you can't do anything without going to school. I just nod. Ugh, FML. It was honestly the last thing I wanted to hear this week. I have now decided that from now on I'm just going to lie anytime someone asks me, it will be so much easier. |
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| On School |
[Aug. 13th, 2009|12:51 am] |
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I didn't realize this until driving to work, but today was the first day of school for all the schools around here. The first day of school. An event that I have suffered through many times in my life. I was thinking of all the kids that started highschool today, and how many of them came home today absolutely traumatized, swearing they aren't going back... dreading waking up the next morning to face the inevitable. I was one of those kids... 8 years ago. Geez, it's already been 8 years since I was a freshman in highschool. A lot of people wouldn't believe me, but I really hated highschool. I remember for the majority of my freshman year being extremely unhappy. A lot of stuff that happened during highschool I've blocked out of my memory, and I know this because a couple weeks ago I found the journal I kept during highschool (which was heavily written in during the first two years and scarcely the last two) and while I was reading it I remember thinking to myself, "I completely forgot about that!" or even the occasional "I don't even remember that" and when I finished it I thought about everything I had gone through--written about or not-- and couldn't believe I survived it. But was it really surviving if it made me like the way I am today? Does what doesn't kill us really make us stronger, or does it eventually chip away at us and breaks us down slowly over time? Do we hold every experience we've had within ourselves, whether we remember it or not, to the point where we just can't handle it anymore? ( Read more... ) |
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| Adventures in the Emergency Room |
[Jul. 29th, 2009|04:21 pm] |
I am convinced that my body knows when I have big plans coming up, and secretly tries to sabotage it. Maybe it's half my fault, or maybe it's just the way things work out and it's bad timing. My sister's visiting from Texas this week, and I requested this week off from work way in advance so we could spend the whole week doing things and taking trips and just having fun. Oh how wrong I was to assume that life ever goes according to plan. in the wee hours of Tuesday morning I become quite ill. I will spare any details, since the flu is never anything that you want to explain in full. I'm actually not even sure if it was the flu, or more of a extreme case of dehydration. Somewhere around 3 and 4am, I could not lay down without feeling nauseous, or stand without feeling like I was going to pass out and my body starting having these weird spasms that I'd never had before. My mom ended up taking me to the emergency room around 5am where I was hooked up to an IV and heart monitors for the next three hours. After they gave me anti-nausea medicine, I feel asleep for a good portion of my stay. I was released around 9am and slept the entire rest of the day. I pretty much just lost Tuesday completely. After a full nights rest, I'm feeling a lot better. I cannot remember the last time I had to go to the emergency room... maybe when I had a concussion when I was 9. But never have I had to go because of the flu, or flu-like symptoms, or dehydration. maybe I don't take care of my body as well as I should, but that another entry entirely.
The weirdest part about the whole thing is, is that I actually had a panic attack while I was hooked up to the heart monitors and watched my heart beat spike to 130 and the machine making a little alarm noise and flashing the heart beat number, like something wasn't right. And my mom and sister witnessing it. I was nervous that one of the nurses would hear my monitor going off and come in to ask what was wrong, because I didn't want to explain I was having a panic attack, and for no reason. But nobody came, and it passed. and then I was released.
It was an odd experience, but I'm used to odd experiences now. Hopefully this doesn't foil all the plans we had for this week. We shall see. |
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