Emily

On The Road To Find Out

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 23:28:07 GMT

I feel like I'm on the path to recovery. I feel like I'm getting to a good place. For the first time in a long time I'm starting to feel my old self coming back, little by little. I cannot say that this just happened all the sudden, or that it's a result of my strong will and determination, because it's not. It's the help of medication and nostalgia that is starting to make me feel good again. I've experienced everything that I was dreading and scared of this year, mainly running the half marathon and getting jury duty. I know those are two things that are ridiculous to be scared of, but for someone who suffers from panic and agoraphobia they are obstacles that aren't easily overcome. But I did both, and they were both awful, horrible experiences. One was physically draining, the other emotionally. I feel like I've laid everything out on the table to those that matter... I feel like I've cleared my closet of all the skeletons that have been hiding in there for years. I have problems, I have issues, but I also have faith.
Driving home from a counseling appointment I started thinking to myself, "where did the old me go? Where is that girl from highschool that used to be so comfortable with herself? What would my 16-year-old self do?" and weirdly enough, it made me feel better. Asking myself what I would do. What my 16 and 17-year-old self would tell my 22-year-old self. and from that point on, I've been trying to get a little bit of my teenage self back. I started listening to old songs that remind me of good things and happier times. I started picking out clothes that I probably would have picked out 6 years ago but have tried so hard to stay away from the past couple years. For so long I've been trying to run away from who I was that I forgot that that's who I am. I've been trying to make myself turn into something that I'm not and lost control over myself in the process. So I ditched my bob and cut my hair back into the choppy messy 'do that I loved so much, and I painted my nails and I put on makeup and I felt comfortable again. I felt like I'm starting to recognize myself again.
And whether or not talking to myself on the way home from the doctors, or the medication itself is responsible for this change, or maybe even a little of both-- I'm glad. I was able to go visit my sister in Texas and be okay. I haven't taken my ambien since thursday night, beacuse I haven't needed it. I've been waking up early almost everyday (which might be in part due to my mom's 9am (7am pacific) wake up calls while in Texas)
and while flying home sunday night, after watching my sex and the city dvd, I just sat there and looked out the window of the airplane... and I watched all the lights of the towns pass underneath me, and I looked at the sunset we were flying towards, and towards the end of the flight we started flying through all these puffy clouds and you could see nothing but a sea of white puffiness and right above, a full moon. and the way these clouds glowed in the moonlight and we were up there flying through them... I couldn't help but feel a sense of freedom... that I was slowly coming out of the imprisonment of my emotions, that I was waking up from a long sleep and finally felt like I was coming back to life. But I haven't been miraculously cured by any means, I still have to face each day.. I still have to talk myself through things on a daily basis and I have to constantly be in control of my thoughts and emotions, but it's getting better. I can feel it.

"there's a carnival on you!"

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:21:55 GMT

My new favorite thing to do is take an ambien right when I get in bed and then try to not go to sleep. I don't know if it has this effect on everybody, or if these would even happen to me if I was by myself (my sister's visiting and we've been sharing my bed for the past couple weeks) but it makes me deliriously tired. My brain will shut off even if I'm still awake and I think everythings hilarious. Take last night for example: I took an ambien and my sister and I were just laying in bed talking (I'd already turned off the light so this was in the dark) and I can feel myself getting more and more tired and then she asks me a question and I just remember not being able to process it in my head, and I go "whaaaat?" and I start laughing and laughing. I'm not exactly sure how long the whole thing lasted but when I woke up I vaguely remember it happening or what happened but knew I had said some really crazy things. I knew I said "whaaaat" and telling her my brain couldn't process her question, and I remember telling her I saw a carnival on her (I'm pretty sure I was dreaming while I was awake because I can kind of remember seeing the mini tent and people on her hahahahah) and then I started laughing hysterically and telling her that I thought I was high. and she later told me that I wouldn't stop staring at her (in the dark, mind you) like with my head on my arm, not on the pillow. even now it makes me crack up. My sister kept telling me how I was being an idiot and to go asleep, which I finally did. and slept gooood. hahahah. ambien is possibly the best thing ever. I haven't slept walked or eaten anything while sleeping, but this is just as good, if not better. aah, prescription drugs.

I really need to go to school.

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 07:22:52 GMT

Today at work one of my co-workers came up to grab a newspaper right next to me. She asked me how I was doing. "I'm good, how are you?" I replied. "good, I get to go home..." "oh, well you're doing better than me then..." I said back, knowing that for some reason people love cheesy replies like that. Then, randomly she asks, "What else do you do? do you go to school?" As if I had to have a full, hectic life in order to have a vaild excuse as to want to work. "Oh no I don't have school" then without missing a beat she replies "you should really go to school" [a deep inner groan can be inserted here] Not wanting to explain everything I just said "yeah... I'm just taking the semester off" Her: "Oh... yeah school can be hard" Me: "yep."and then she proceeds into a 5 minute one-sided conversation about how important school is and that nowadays you can't do anything without going to school. I just nod. Ugh, FML. It was honestly the last thing I wanted to hear this week. I have now decided that from now on I'm just going to lie anytime someone asks me, it will be so much easier.

On School

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 08:50:53 GMT

I didn't realize this until driving to work, but today was the first day of school for all the schools around here. The first day of school. An event that I have suffered through many times in my life. I was thinking of all the kids that started highschool today, and how many of them came home today absolutely traumatized, swearing they aren't going back... dreading waking up the next morning to face the inevitable. I was one of those kids... 8 years ago. Geez, it's already been 8 years since I was a freshman in highschool. A lot of people wouldn't believe me, but I really hated highschool. I remember for the majority of my freshman year being extremely unhappy. A lot of stuff that happened during highschool I've blocked out of my memory, and I know this because a couple weeks ago I found the journal I kept during highschool (which was heavily written in during the first two years and scarcely the last two) and while I was reading it I remember thinking to myself, "I completely forgot about that!" or even the occasional "I don't even remember that" and when I finished it I thought about everything I had gone through--written about or not-- and couldn't believe I survived it. But was it really surviving if it made me like the way I am today? Does what doesn't kill us really make us stronger, or does it eventually chip away at us and breaks us down slowly over time? Do we hold every experience we've had within ourselves, whether we remember it or not, to the point where we just can't handle it anymore?
When my sister came to visit a couple weeks ago, I spent a lot of days just talking with her... and she, using her education in psychology, tried probing the deepest parts of my memory to figure out where it all started going wrong for me. I remember really loving school when I was in elementary. I remember being a really good student, and without being too conceited, a lot smarter than my peers. I remember being happy. My sister remembers it differently. She remembers me crying in school a lot and my mom having to come get me. I did?? Thinking harder, of course I did. Anytime I felt out of my comfort zone, or lost I would get scared and cry. I remember my mom having to pick me up in kindergarten because I couldn't stop crying after my best friend went home sick and I didn't know who to talk to or play with. I remember being so nervous everyday before school that I can't remember a single time in 13 years of eating breakfast before school (unless you count coffee, and even that wasn't until I was a junior in hs) I remember being homesick a lot... missing my mom. I did not go to preschool as a child... so I was used to being with my mom a lot. But she went back to work when I was 2, so I couldn't possibly have spent that much time with her, but in my mind I feel like I did. I remember getting to school when I was in first grade, and standing up to do the pledge of alligance and I remember being so homesick that I mouthed the pledge because I knew if I used my voice, I would surely start to cry. As I go older, it got easier... but the nerves never went away. I was a nervous child as it was, a worry-wart some would say, to the point of making myself sick. When school was good, and I was comfortable, all was well... but when it wasn't... it was awful. I remember when I was miss a day of school I would be so nervous to go back the next day in fear that I missed out on so much information and I wouldn't know what anyone was talking about and feel left out that I would end up staying home for a week. I remember walking to the bus stop and getting so sad and nervous I would tell my friend I forgot something at home and leave before the bus came.

5th-8th grade were the best years by far. I don't really remember a bad day. All was well. It was most definitely the calm before the storm.

And then there was highschool. Freshman year I lost my two closest friends. Why? because they had better people to hang out with. They had older siblings or friends from other highschools that were far more important than me. My brother was a senior, but that didn't really help me any. Well, he did show me where my first class was and that was about all the help I got from him. It was miserable. I went from being, well, popular to being an absolute nobody. with no friends. My friendship with others grew from this, but even that had it's problems and strained over the years. As soon as I started, I wanted nothing more than it to be over with. I wanted so badly for it to be true what everyone says, highschool goes by faster than you can imagine. and it did. well, it seems like it did... looking back 5 years later. but that's because time heals all wounds, and it dilutes the harshness of situations and it softens the edges and distorts how it really was in the moment. I can think about all the good things about school and think 'it wasn't that bad, it was actually pretty fun' and not realize why I hated it so much. I know I hated it, but I couldn't pick out a particular situation to use as an example. That's the tricky thing about time... as it passes you start to lose the ability to be able to pinpoint how you felt and then you start to make big experiences you went through seem trivial to yourself and then before you know it, you are stuck with anxiety that you can't explain. You know that there must be a reason for it, but your brain tells you that nothing that bad never happened to you, so you're unjustified in feeling how you feel.

This is long, but school was long. It was the thing from which my life revolved around for so many years. and because of that, and beacuse of all the things that are stated above, in addition to endless amounts of things that I haven't written about, it makes it hard for me to continue with higher education. I like learning, but I do not like school. I don't have fond memories of school. School makes me just as nervous today as it did 17 years ago. But that's not the main reason I'm not graduated from college yet. I am just now one class away from getting my AA, and all my classes (minus 3) were taken online. and the nerves rise up in me now, why? Because I'm scared to have enough credits to transfer to a real school because I'm scared to go to a real school, not because of my awful childhood memories of school but because of my awful panic attacks, and my anxiety that has plagued me for the last 6 years, my decreasing desire to even leave my house. I cannot go on with my life and do the things I want to do and accomplish because mentally and emotionally I will not let myself. This thing that everyone has told me is normal, is just a part of growing up, that I will grow out of it... that it will get easier. It hasn't gotten any fucking easier. I never grew out of it and I doubt it's something everyone experiences in their life, or at least not to this degree. Why am I so sure of this? because I look around at people every single day. and I know they don't. I know that every person is dealing with their own battles and everyone has issues, but the difference between them and me is that they know how to carry on with their life, and they know how to cope with things and they don't let it effect their daily activities. and if you're a person I went to school with, and I see you at my work please be advised that I will most likely not ask you about school and I would appreciate you to do the same for me. Because it feels like the only thing anyone ever has to talk about is school. I understand that a lot of people my age are newly graduates of college and I think that's great, and if it was me then heck, I'd want to talk about it too. But that's not me, and talking about it only makes me realize how behind in life I am. and how I haven't accomplished anything because I'm still working at my highschool job.. and the fact that I will not be going to school this semester because I decided I don't want to. Because right now it's more important to me to use this time to get help and get myself better and work things out then it is to finish classes in a certain amount of time. because this whole graduating in 4 years is bullshit, and now that it's past 4 years what's the hurry? I've already failed. and now that you've graduated what are you doing? Moving back home and figuring things out. I'm not in a rush to get a degree and then realize I still don't know what I want to do. So fuck off school, because you've ruined too much of my life as it is and now that I don't HAVE to go to you, I'm not going to for awhile because unlike other people I don't judge my worth on having a stupid piece of paper. Going to school isn't going to make me feel any better, so I'm not going to do it until I DO feel better. You hear that? Because that's what I think about school.

Adventures in the Emergency Room

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 23:45:52 GMT

I am convinced that my body knows when I have big plans coming up, and secretly tries to sabotage it. Maybe it's half my fault, or maybe it's just the way things work out and it's bad timing. My sister's visiting from Texas this week, and I requested this week off from work way in advance so we could spend the whole week doing things and taking trips and just having fun. Oh how wrong I was to assume that life ever goes according to plan. in the wee hours of Tuesday morning I become quite ill. I will spare any details, since the flu is never anything that you want to explain in full. I'm actually not even sure if it was the flu, or more of a extreme case of dehydration. Somewhere around 3 and 4am, I could not lay down without feeling nauseous, or stand without feeling like I was going to pass out and my body starting having these weird spasms that I'd never had before. My mom ended up taking me to the emergency room around 5am where I was hooked up to an IV and heart monitors for the next three hours. After they gave me anti-nausea medicine, I feel asleep for a good portion of my stay. I was released around 9am and slept the entire rest of the day. I pretty much just lost Tuesday completely. After a full nights rest, I'm feeling a lot better. I cannot remember the last time I had to go to the emergency room... maybe when I had a concussion when I was 9. But never have I had to go because of the flu, or flu-like symptoms, or dehydration. maybe I don't take care of my body as well as I should, but that another entry entirely.
The weirdest part about the whole thing is, is that I actually had a panic attack while I was hooked up to the heart monitors and watched my heart beat spike to 130 and the machine making a little alarm noise and flashing the heart beat number, like something wasn't right. And my mom and sister witnessing it. I was nervous that one of the nurses would hear my monitor going off and come in to ask what was wrong, because I didn't want to explain I was having a panic attack, and for no reason. But nobody came, and it passed. and then I was released.
It was an odd experience, but I'm used to odd experiences now. Hopefully this doesn't foil all the plans we had for this week. We shall see.

On how the cookie crumbles

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 10:22:09 GMT

Have you ever found yourself sitting on your bed, on your floor, at your desk, whatever... and just looked around your room and took in all the stuff you have? From my vantage point right now, sitting on my BED, typing on my LAPTOP... I can see my TV, my DVDS, my collection of SHOES so proudly displayed on the backside of my door, articles of CLOTHING peeking out of my unclosed closet door. This is just the big things, this doesn't include the light thats on next to me, or the clock, the clean water, the telephone, the endless amounts of picture frames, my stack of books on the floor, the pile of clothes at the foot of my bed that I can't fit into my closet nor my dresser. why? why do I have so much stuff? why am I so lucky? Yes, I have a job and I have to work for what I have-- but there are people that work just as hard as me, if not harder and they don't have a fraction of all these unnecessary things. Sometimes I ask myself-- why did God want me to be born in the 20th century, in America, to middle class caucasian parents? I asked myself this a lot over the past year, especially after my whole skin cancer episode (maybe not so much the caucasian parents part, but still). Why was I born in a time when medicine had a cure for what I had? Why was I born in a country that had these technologies and procedures available? If I was born in any other century I most likely would have died from melanoma. That would have been my fate. If I was living in a third world country TODAY, I would probably eventually die from melanoma. I wouldn't have the doctors and the medicine and the surgeries available to me, and if I did I probably wouldn't be able to afford it. Why did I luck out so much? and why do I have all this stuff? How come when people are suffering so much in other parts of the world, or in other parts of this country-- I can talk about it on my computer, as if rubbing it in even more? A part of me just wants to get rid of everything and give it to everybody else... and a part of me feels like I am too small to take on everything I want to change. How do I stop my feeling of want and be satisfied with what I have? How do I distinguish between want and need? unsatisfied and satisfied? We will never be satisfied, so stop wanting. You will always want more. Live simply, so people can simply live.

Mon, 04 May 2009 04:25:57 GMT

fuck it. I'm so tired of everything.

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 21:11:21 GMT

Wear Sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idel Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year- olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Mayber you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody's else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Dont' be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will Look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Taken from: http://internettrash.com/users/chainbreak/schmsp.htm

What I need.

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 04:23:44 GMT

Time, patience, fresh air, the warmth of the sun, natural light, the smell of flowers, moving water, sunsets, full moons, the peace of twilight, fresh fruit, good books, the lights of a carousel, the feeling of a ferris wheel, deep breaths, a good laugh, an open mind, a sense of adventure, simplicity, bright stars, cool breezes, to love and feel loved, God.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

On making a difference.

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 08:22:44 GMT

A man vacationing on the coast of Mexico decided to take a midnight stroll along the beach one night. Off in the distance he noticed a boy picking something up and throwing it into the ocean.

Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The boy replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. Every full moon the tide washes starfish up onto the shore and strands them on the beach, in the morning the sun will dry them out and they'll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? What kind of difference can you possibly make?”

The boy looked down at the starfish in his hand and threw it back into the life-giving sea, "I made a difference to that one.”

This Side of Paradise

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 07:13:06 GMT

"When Eleanor's arm touched his he felt his hands grow cold with deadly fear lest he should lose the shadow brush with which his imagination was painting wonders of her. He watched her from the corners of his eyes as ever he did when he walked with her-- she was a feast and a folly and he wished it had been his destiny to sit forever on a haystack and see life through her green eyes."

"Youth is like having a big plate of candy. Sentimentalists think they want to be in the pure, simple state they were in before they ate the candy. They don't. They just want the fun of eating it all over again."

"'You'll find another.'
'God! Banish the thought. Why don't you tell me that 'if the girl had been worth having she'd have waited for you'? No, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody"

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 01:52:35 GMT

inner demons. crippling anxiety. I never thought it was so simple.

Not the end, just the beginning.

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:43:35 GMT

I've decided to spare you all anymore fashion-related lj posts and give into getting myself a blog. So this will go back to being strictly... er... life-related? an outlet for ramblings and complaints? haha. but if you're interested in checking out the new blog, you can find it at: Lequaintrelle.blogspot.com
I'm still trying to get the feel of it, but hopefully once I get acquainted with everything it will be a delight. the laptop has been bought, the blog has been created, now it's time to get this show on the road. :) ciao.

knit one, purl two.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 08:31:41 GMT

I emerge from the dead to talk about something that is not at all important, but those are the best kind of entries, no? My heart yearns and my fingers itch to pick up crochet hooks and knitting needles again. Conventionally, since lately I have been crocheting, but mostly just making reusable bags from recycled plastic grocery bags. (I'm working on a Target one now)

I sent one to the head guy of the "Green Department" for Albertsons, I think he liked it. But then my mom made this scarf:

that I fell in love with, and instantly called dibs on, and it gave me a new found passion for knit wear. Now I can't stop drooling over these scarves:

I need to make these. There's no way around it. But first I must finish the sweater I'm working on now, I will update with pictures upon completion. but besides all this crafty mumbo-jumbo... I got a new puppy, and a new laptop and there's some exciting news (hopefully) next week that I will share. But for now, this is all I have to give you. Adieu.

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 06:12:00 GMT

Sometimes I feel like I might come off as a little pretentious. I don't mean to, but maybe I do because I have strong opinions. When you're young you feel like you can do anything, that you can save the world. You think this because you don't know any better, you know nothing outside of the world your parents have created for you. When you get older you start to grasp the reality of what exactly is going on in the world, and the awful situation the earth, and the people in it are in. You feel that the task at hand is bigger than yourself, you're overwhelmed and feel that nothing you could do could ever change the bigger picture, so you give up, you stop trying. I stopped trying a long time ago, until I found a envelope a couple weeks ago addressed to myself from Costa Rica. Inside was pamphlets from the Rainforest Alliance and a letter written to me dated May 19, 1996. I was 9 and I thought I could actually change something, that I could make a difference. I had a passion to help things that couldn't help themselves, and somewhere along the way I gave up. I got discouraged. So I made a decision upon seeing that envelope that I wanted to be more like my 9-year-old self than how I am now. I want to feel like I can do anything, that I can help someone or change something-- even if it's small, it's still something. and because of this new restored passion, I have found myself lately becoming quite frustrated with people that don't care, or who aren't willing to sacrifice a little in order to make something better. but I've realized I cannot be this way, I cannot be a mean person. I wish more people cared, but they don't and I can't change that. I can try to convince people that it's easier to be for a cause than against it, it's better to be proactive than idle... If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. but how they receive this is up to them. All I want is to live in a better world, where people have basic necessities and equal opprotunities. I just want change.

I'm in Heaven.

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 06:56:59 GMT

Today as I was getting ready to go to school, I opened the back door to let Toby out, and stepped outside into a perfect moment. I've realized that one of my favorite times of day is that time just after twilight where the sky is light blue at the tops of the mountains and grows darker into the sky until it's a bluish black, and there are only two stars shining so bright against the light blue. I walked outside to this scene, with the mountains right outside my backyard, and the weather warm and calm and then I noticed that someone in my neighborhood was practicing a saxophone. seriously, a saxophone. and they were good. And with the fading light blue sky, and the two stars shining above the moutains, and the warm calm air and the sound of the sole saxophone swirling in the air... I'm not sure if I've ever felt more content. It was a perfect moment. but then I had to shake myself out of my dream world, and walk back inside the house and drive to school and ruin my night. Oh well, only three more weeks of school. Here's to more perfect moments.

I love screencaps.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:57:45 GMT

I'm on Urban Outfitters! Click here to see for yourself! One of the girls on Kaboodle informed me last night that she saw me on the Urban website. So I guess this confirms that the book will be sold at Urban Outfitters along with B&N, Amazon and I think it's even on the Target website. If you're in any of those stores be sure to take a look, or buy it... or tell someone to buy it for you for Christmas! I'm really excited for it. I still haven't seen it in person, I'm still waiting for my copy to be sent to me from the publisher. And! I got a new camera! It's exactly like my old one but a newer, better version. So let the picture-taking revival begin!

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 05:30:24 GMT

I'm praying that my life doesn't get turned upside down in a couple days.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 03:07:53 GMT

"...as we watched seaward-moving ships pass between the cliffs of burning skyline, she said: 'years from now, years and years, one of those ships will bring me back, me and my nine Brazillian brats, because yes, they must see this, these lights, the river-- I love New York, even though it isn't mine, the way something has to be, a tree or a street or a house, something anyway, that belongs to me because I belong to it.' And I said: 'Do shut up,' for I felt infuriatingly left out-- a tugboat in a dry-dock while she, glittery voyager of secure destination steamed down the harbor with whistles whistling and confetti in the air.'"

""Never love a wild thing, Mr. Bell," Holly advised him. "That was Doc's mistake. He was always lugging home wild things. A hawk with a hurt wing. One time it was a full-grown bobcat with a broken leg. But you can't give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they're strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree. Then a taller tree. Then the sky. That's how you'll end up, Mr. Bell. If you let yourself love a wild thing. You'll end up looking at the sky

Weardrobe/The Fashion Spot Feature

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 18:21:42 GMT

Weardrobe.comdid a little "closet-of-the-week" feature about me. It's up on the front page of the site. The interview can be found over at The Fashion Spot

Even though I know there are some girls that get this sort of recognition all the time, I'm stoked because I don't! haha. First I get to be in a book and then someone wants to interview me for their website? That's pretty cool. Hopefully this is just the beginning! But go check it out and let me know what you think!

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 07:05:24 GMT

I feel like I'm constantly being overlooked.

Texas!

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 05:25:07 GMT

I'll finally update about my trip to Texas. Funny thing is, I'm only updating about it to say I wish I was still there. Well, not necessarily just Texas, I wish I was anywhere right now. Remember an entry I did months ago saying how I loved the idea of traveling but never could because I don't do well in unfamiliar places? Well, that wasn't the case this time. I had an absolute blast. Maybe it's because I was surrounded by so many familiar faces from California, and we were all in this different place together. Or maybe it was that I fell in love with the fact that I was 1,000 miles away from everything I stress about, worry about, make myself go mad over. No work, no school, no internet! I was completely disconnected from my bubble back in California and I didn't miss it at all. I want to travel more, be in that place more, that place where nothing matters except where you're at and what you're doing at that exact moment. Nothing in your "normal life" has any relevance. It's such a liberating feeling.
But now I'm back to my old life, the old everyday thing. Back to work, back to school. I hate it. I'm over my sign language. Ever since we got our Deaf teacher it feels like the whole class is a struggle rather than enjoying learning the language. I actually thought that maybe this would be something I'd really be interested in pursuing, but it just turns out that it stresses me out just like everything else I once thought I'd like to do. Everything's so blah since I got back. Even my
are blah (but I'll still post them, haha!) Maybe my sister not being here is throwing me off. I don't know. but enough of this sob entry-- here's some visuals from my adventures down south!

We picked cotton!!

I saw a llama!!

It was such an amazing time! The rest of the pictures are on my myspace. :)

What I Wore Today

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 17:01:43 GMT

I returned home from my sister's wedding in Texas a couple days ago, and I have to say that the trip was wonderful! I want to tell about everything that happened, but I won't yet. Instead I'll talk about some other wonderful news. As soon as we stepped off the plane in Austin and walked to our rental car I had received an email from the publisher of a book. Don't ask me why I was checking my email while I was still at the airport, haha I think we were waiting around to get our car, that's besides the point! The publisher had emailed me a couple months ago asking if I would let them use one of my pictures for their book. Of course I was thrilled and said yes, but didn't really get my hopes up because the pixels on the picture is sort of weird and I didn't think they'd end up using it, and also because of that whole magazine article I was suppose to be in awhile ago but the magazine went under right before the issue came out. so imagine my surprise when I get an email from her telling me that the book is out in print and she'd love to send me a copy. I almost lost my shit right there in the parking structure.
so! Here's the deal. The book is called What I Wore Today: Fashion Remixed Online from Beijing to Berlin by Graffito books.

and it won't be out in the States until January but you can pre-order it on both Amazon and Barnes and Noble. She also sent me my page:

Does this make me a published... person? photographer? haha. It's crazy that you'll be able to walk into a bookstore after the first of the year and find a picture of me somewhere in there. Awesome! So go buy one, I'll autograph it. :)

Eat, Love, Pray

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 22:35:03 GMT

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts"

the perks of realization.

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 22:29:30 GMT

I think this whole experience is a blessing in disguise. It's what I needed. And I realize it's what I needed after reading Eat, Love, Pray. I've been eyeing this book, but have been putting off reading it because I have a stack (literally) of other books in my room that I must get through first. But after my sisters put together a care package for me after my surgery with this book included, I thought well, hell. I'm here on the couch and that books in reaching distance... so why not? That was exactly a week ago today. It may not have been the best book I've ever read, or even a favorite... but it did make me realize a lot of things. There was a part about not being able to see your reflection in running water, and only in still water can you see yourself. and what more still can you be besides sitting the day away ala Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window? And that's what I've been doing this past week. Reflecting. Thinking about everything. Coming to terms and getting a grip on my life and people in it.
It has been a very humbling experience to say the least. I think I've had maybe less than a handful of people ask me how I am since finding out about the cancer, getting the surgery done, leaving work, etc. People I had talked to literally hours before I went to the hospital completely forgot that I even had surgery. The people you think would really care, don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for any sort of sympathy or woe is me, I'm just simply stating what I've come to realize over the course of this whole experience. and I think it's even taught me how I'm selfish in my own right. It's a big slice of humble pie, that's all. but all that to say this: there are people, or perhaps a person or two, that I'm allowing to be in my life right now that have not in any way earned their right to be there. Not only not earning their right, but blatantly showing how unimportant I am in their life... and I've been allowing this. For a really long time. and it's brought me down to one of my lowest points in the past year. I have turned into a person I have a hard time recognizing, and that scares me. and it needs to come to and end, immediately. For the sake of my sanity, my dignity, my self-respect and for merely my happiness. From this point forward I will no longer be allowing people to take up my time at their convienence. I will no longer be holding on to this inflated idea of someone I have made up in my head simply to satisfy my own curiosity and actually believing that they could live up to that idea. they can't. they never could. and just the fact that merely having a 2 minute conversation with someone I found attractive made me not think of this other person for a week, well that just shows that all you need is a little distraction to get over an illusion.
I have been single for 20 years and 6 months. I have learned to live a life completely independent on any sort of male approval or accompiment. I do not need to lower my standards or expectations for anyone, because frankly, my dear... I don't need you. My life is for me and a man is just merely icing on the cake, but ultimately not a necessity. And in order for me to give my time and effort for something that is merely a "bonus" in life, you're damn right I'm going to expect near perfection. I have no desire to settle for anything I don't need to have. That also includes not settling for being a "convienence", a "back-up plan", a "person who will always be there in case things don't work out with someone else", and definitely not "a girl who is going to stay single, unattached, moral and virtuous, virginal and innocent while I have my escapades of partying and slutting around".
There's a lot of things you can think about in a week. There's a lot of things you can realize about yourself and other's through life experiences. But there's also a lot of times that people show their true colors on just any given day, but you're too blind or naive to see the flags being raised. Sometimes it takes a crisis to put things in perspective. Well, bud... all my ducks are in a row now. I accept who you are, what you did, how I allowed you to treat me and most of all, I accept that I messed up by not realizing this sooner, or maybe realizing it but being too weak to stop it. Well I'm not anymore. I accept you and now I'm leaving you. or the idea of you. You are of no use to me anymore.

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted---an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obesession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore--despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free)...You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.